Were you really being selfish? Or were you in survival mode without realizing it?

This is a question that I often ask my clients when they say “I feel like I’m being selfish.”

In order to understand the question, we need to go into a bit of therapy lingo.

Adaptive Information Processing, or AIP for short (not to be confused with the diet) is the theory behind EMDR.

Basically, what AIP says, is that your brain has accumulated data over the years, and it is responding to that data in the best way that it knows how. You have created strategies for survival, and you are going to keWep using those strategies until 2 things happen

1) Your brain accesses something new that is a possible strategy for the scenario AND

2) Your brain trusts that this new strategy will work at least as well as the strategy it was using up to this point.

Look at your behavior as strategic for a moment. As you examine it, were you really coming from a place of selfishness, or were you just using the tools you had at the moment, in order to ensure your safety? I can’t answer that for you, only you can know your inner motive and heart.

Maybe you screamed and threw a fit like a three-year-old. Look deep inside right before the tantrum, what were you feeling?

Maybe you shut down and avoided, gave short answers, and didn’t really engage. Look at what happened right before the shutdown- what were you feeling at that moment?

If Fear was at play before your strategy came out, there’s a good chance your behaviors were for survival purposes. This does not excuse your behaviors, but it might help explain them. Sure it may look selfish on the outside, but I’m willing to look inside. Are you?

If you want to give yourself new strategies and don’t want to keep hurting others or yourself- try mindfulness, reading the book “Getting Past Your Past” by Francine Shapiro, or going to therapy. This can help give your brain the two things it needs in order to replace the old strategies. Remember, your brain will continue to use the strategies it knows well until you build another path forward.