Barbara Myerhoff’s poignant observation, “Unless we exist in the eyes of others, we come to doubt our own existence,” resonates for anyone who has felt unseen or invisible in their journey. Originally written about the lives of abandoned senior citizens, this insight transcends its original context, offering a universal truth about the human need for acknowledgment and connection. For those who have experienced trauma, this sentiment takes on an even deeper meaning, touching the heart of what it means to heal and be whole.
As an EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapist, I have witnessed how trauma can isolate and silence. It can make you feel as though your story is too much, your pain too heavy, and your very being too complicated for others to hold. The result? A disconnection not only from others but also from yourself. Myerhoff’s words encapsulate a fundamental struggle for those who have endured trauma: the yearning to be truly seen and validated—not only by others but also through holding others who care for you in your own mind.
The Impact of Trauma on Our Perception of Ourselves
Trauma often distorts how we perceive ourselves and how we believe others perceive us. It can instill a sense of shame or unworthiness, whispering lies that we are undeserving of love, acknowledgment, or care. When we internalize these messages, we may withdraw or mask our true selves, further reinforcing feelings of invisibility.
The absence of a safe space where our pain can be witnessed can make us question our own reality. "Did it really happen?" "Am I overreacting?" "Does anyone even care?" These are questions I hear often in therapy. And they’re not just rhetorical; they are cries for connection and validation. These questions have to be answered experientially.
Myerhoff’s quote also points to the importance of a reciprocal process: not only must we exist in the eyes of others, but we must also allow ourselves to carry loving others (people who have nurtured us) in our own minds. This is especially significant in healing. When trauma robs us of trust, it can feel dangerous to hold onto the idea that others care. Rebuilding this capacity—to know that someone cares and to carry that knowledge with us—is a powerful step toward healing.
The Role of EMDR in Reclaiming Your Right to Take Up Space
EMDR therapy is uniquely powerful in addressing the core wounds of trauma. It doesn’t just focus on relieving symptoms; it helps you rewrite the narrative that trauma has etched into your mind. Through a structured process of bilateral stimulation and guided recall, EMDR enables you to reprocess traumatic memories in a way that is less overwhelming and more integrated.
In this process, something beautiful often happens: you begin to reconnect with your true self. As you release the grip of past pain, you’re able to see yourself more clearly. And as you share your story—perhaps for the first time—in a space where it is met with compassion and understanding, you begin to experience the power of being seen. Simultaneously, you may find yourself more able to hold onto the love and care others offer, internalizing it as a source of strength.
I remember one client who described feeling invisible in every aspect of their life. They carried the belief that their pain was "too much" for anyone to handle. Through EMDR, we worked together on a memory where they felt unseen by someone they loved deeply. As the process unfolded, they not only released the weight of that memory but also began to internalize the care I offered them in our sessions.
One day, they told me about a person in their life who had been there for them in a critical moment, "I can finally feel that they see me—and it’s helping me see myself as worthy of love." That moment was a turning point, not just in their therapy but in their relationship with themselves and others. It’s these moments that remind me why this work is so powerful and necessary.
Finding Your Witnesses
While therapy provides a crucial starting point, healing also requires connection outside the therapeutic space. Who are your witnesses? Who are the people in your life who truly see you and validate your experiences? If you don’t yet have those relationships, know that you are not alone—and that it is possible to cultivate them.
Here are a few steps to help you reclaim visibility and connection:
Speak Your Truth in Safe Spaces: Join support groups or communities where you feel safe sharing your experiences. The simple act of telling your story can affirm your existence and reduce feelings of isolation. It can also be more cost-effective than therapy while still providing a lot of the benefit. You can check out the group offerings we have at Convergence Trauma Therapy at www.convergencetraumatherapy.com/groups
Prioritize Relationships That Nurture You: Seek out friends, mentors, or loved ones who listen without judgment and offer genuine care. It’s okay to let go of relationships that don’t serve your healing.
Engage in Self-Reflection: Journaling, mindfulness practices, or creative expression can help you explore and affirm your sense of self. These practices remind you that your experiences—and your feelings—are valid.
Internalize Care: When someone offers genuine love or support, practice holding onto it. Remind yourself of their words or gestures during difficult moments. Over time, this internalization becomes a powerful resource.
You Are Seen and Valued
If you’re reading this and resonating with the feeling of invisibility, know this: you are not alone, and your story matters. Healing is not just about processing trauma; it is also about recognizing that you are deserving of love, connection, and acknowledgment, and living that way.
Through EMDR or other trauma-informed therapies and intentional connection with others, you can rebuild your sense of worth—first in the eyes of a compassionate witness, and ultimately, in your own. Myerhoff’s words remind us of a vital truth: existence becomes fuller and more vibrant when we allow ourselves to be seen. When we can hold other's love for us in our own minds that takes us to the next level. You are worthy of being seen, held, and loved.
Let this post be your reminder that healing is both complicated and simple. Start where you are, seek the support you need, and trust that with each step, you are moving closer to reclaiming your voice, and the love you deserve. You matter.
This might be ridiculous, but I'm going to say it anyway. I've thought about the people who might read this post, and if you're reading this and thinking, "She doesn't know me, how can she know that I matter?" - You matter to me. Even if we haven't met yet, I'm holding the readers of this post in my mind and in the Light. I hope and pray that you find people who help you feel your worth.
May you find warmth and light in this season.