"What is rewarded gets repeated. What is punished is avoided."

~James Clear from his book Atomic Habits

I enjoyed the book Atomic Habits. I thought it was excellent. I appreciate this quote.

Let's talk about what it means.

You might have been rewarded in ways that aren't obvious.

I'm thinking of some of my clients. These women learned to disappear, and then they were rewarded with a felt sense of safety in the hiding. They were "rewarded" by being ignored rather than punished.

Some of your behaviors may have been rewarded by parents in very subtle ways.

Another example is the peacemaker. She learned at a very young age that her parents couldn't work things out themselves. She would have to go to mom later, after the big blow-ups, to comfort her. Then this little one would receive attention and whatever love mom had left over, which was enough of a "reward" that kept her in this pattern for years. She was behind the scenes peacemaking and protecting her mom's emotions. She was also protecting her family's stability. If mom was calmer tonight, then daughter would have a better chance of getting to go to school tomorrow.

However in doing so, she learned that her own feelings weren't important enough to pay attention to.

For the example of the peacemaker daughter, it is going to be very scary to get out of that role. Even if she has all the intention in the world of changing that habit, it is so ingrained, that she might need to do experiential therapy to help release it so that she even has a shot of starting a new pattern and creating a new habit.

While I love the book Atomic Habits for first-order change (changing the habits and behaviors of our lives) some things get wired in very deeply due to trauma. If self-help books aren't working no matter how hard you try, it doesn't mean that you are weak or you are doing it wrong. It might mean there is some underlying trauma that needs attention and healing.

Don't suffer alone. Reach out for help.